Talk:Coldice's Truth/@comment-27038933-20170821152851
Okay I know this is your story but you should at least make an effort to not put little Duskkit on some pedestal and make everyone else's cat crowd around Shower him with praise or say things that are a little unrealistic. Namely Fernstar saying, in a gathering of cats telling Burningsky she'll be a great leader just because she offered to mentor Duskkit even though she's currently mentoring Rabbitpaw. While I find that a bit of in poor taste since how might that make Rabbitpaw feel as I'm pretty sure he'd be a mid aged apprentice and struggling. But what's in terrible taste is having Fernstar tell a warrior she might make a fine leader someday, there's a difference between telling a kit this and a warrior. As a kit it gives them something to strive for, it's recognition of their potential, as a warrior who'd be eligible to BE deputy, it looks really bad since Brightfall is the one next in line actually and announcing to the whole clan to hear would make it look like Fernstar thinks Brightfall isn't capable. While yes Burningsky becomes deputy eventually, and then leader right now she's a warrior serving under Fernstar and Brightfall. Also she didn't really say anything that was a mark of good leadership she just said 'oh I'd like to mentor him after Rabbitpaw' and he was JUST born. No one knows Duskkit's quirks, what his personality is and ultimately what personality his mentor would need to train him. This is honestly the opposite of showing leadership. The other thing is, everyone going Gaga for Duskkit, I get cats wanting to see him for the first time but there's no rhyme or reason to it, there's suddenly a pack of cats containing Burningsky, Shadowsong, Fawnsong, Thistletuft's suddenly there too (where'd he come from?), Jetpaw, and then Fernstar here. Transitions are helpful and theyvlet us know who all is present in a scene and who comes and goes. I like Burningsky's line of 'he'll defeat enemies with cuteness p' but being then followed by 'oh he'll be so amazing ermergerd!' it dies. Said line is ultimately repeated by all of them. This could be viewed in two ways If altered a bit this could be the clans effort to encourage Duskkit because they feel bad he lost his parents, and want in turn to give him confidence to do well despite his lack of biological parents. But this brings a glaring problem since you're plot hinges on him being abused by Lightheart. Everyone here adores Duskkit, and are attentive, if this is the clans response there's no way Lightheart could get away with it. Without EVERYONE looking stupid for the sake of the plot. So for the sake of the plot the opposite should be happening, rather than singling out Duskkit, the she cats should be appreciating both Duskkit and Cherrykit and tell Lightheart they're looking well and their potential shines and then things fade into normal life, the novelty wears off and the clan goes about their business and Duskkit is seen as nothing special. Thus allowing for Lightheart to be abusive.